Finding The Hope...

My brothers roommate committed suicide on October 11, 2009. The day before his 35th birthday. His name was Travis. A violent death that will surely haunt my brother Aaron and all the others who knew and loved this man for a long time.

I can only guess that Travis felt Hopeless. Maybe Helpless. Sad. Depressed. There have to be many emotions that would lead you to that final day when you make the dreadful decision to end your own life. No Hope for something better.

I'm sad. Sad for him. Sad that he lost the Hope. Sad for my brother and the effect this, no doubt, will have on him.

I really didn't know him at all. Only met him a few times. But, he has been on my mind for the past seven days. I can't stop thinking about what would lead him to that decision. I always come back to Hope.

This event sort of landed in my backyard...so to speak...pretty close to home I mean. I have done a lot of thinking about my own Hope for the past week. For me, a Hope in something more didn't come naturally. I had to seek it out. I have experienced some ugly, life changing, events in my life. I've also experienced depression. I know the hopelessness you feel. I can almost see how you could head down that path Travis took that heartbreaking night. When there is no hope...what is the point?

Hope for me first came when I realized that I wasn't alone. I wasn't alone in my past experiences. I wasn't alone in what was feeling at the time. That was comforting in a way.

Then I found my true Hope. God. I didn't find God at church. I didn't have a conversion experience. I found God by crying out to Him and Hoping that there was something more. This something more raised a lot of questions for me. Questions I couldn't answer. Questions no one could really answer for me. That is when I made the Decision. The Decision to believe. I decided that believing in something unknown and unseen was better than the alternative. I now call it Faith. I now choose to believe there is a reason for my life and my experiences. That reason is something more. God's plan for me. At this point in my life journey things aren't perfect. I deal with some issues...still have bad days...still question...it's real life. But I have Hope in something more!

So, I'm still sad. Still questioning why this tragic event happened. Still worried about my brother. I'm hopeful though. Hopeful that something more will shine through all this sadness and speak to my brother and speak to Travis' family to give them Peace.

I know a lot of you who read my blog get where I'm coming from and you already have a relationship with God and you understand something more.

However, if you're reading this and you don't have the Hope. Just know that it's there, waiting for you when you're ready to seek it out. Don't give up the Hope of something more for your life. It's there. Really. I know.

Thanks for reading and continued prayers for my brother Aaron and Travis' family are very much appreciated.


Jackie


P.S.

There were a couple of well-known scriptures that really helped me in my early spiritual journey...they weren't well known to me at the time though.

Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

and

Psalm 139:12-16
12 but even in darkness I cannot hide from you. To you the night shines as bright as day.
Darkness and light are the same to you.
13 You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother's womb.
14 Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.
15 You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.
16 You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book.
Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed.