Self? Where are You?

I found out who I am through writing.

I started writing (journaling really) many years ago in my early 20's. I didn't know it then but I was trying to find my own voice. I never thought of myself as a writer but I needed to make sense of everything that had gone on in my life up until that point. I was working through a workbook which required that I do some writing exercises. I'm pretty sure I didn't finish the workbook but I continued with the journaling. For a long time the only time I pulled out the journal was when I needed to scream. Saying it out loud wasn't quite as effective as putting pen to paper for me. I released a lot of frustration, anger, sorrow through writing....no one ever saw it but me.

At some point I learned to pray through writing. I never prayed much except to ask God for something like a new job, help with my debt or a plea for healing when someone was sick, usually me. I never praised Him for what I already had. I didn't know how to do that. I didn't think I knew how to pray and that maybe I wasn't good enough for God to listen to anyway.

What I know now is that when I write I can talk directly to God. I read somewhere to write a letter to God as a way to pray. My early letters were something like this:



Dear God,

I don't really know what to say because I don't know bible verses. I never really went to church as a kid and I never memorized the books of the bible. Anyway, I'm really mad at Pat right now, please change him, he really needs to change. I'd like a better job, I'd really like a house and help me get rid of all of this debt.

Thank You.

Amen.



It was a start. I was really stuck on that bible verse thing and for the record I still don't know the books of the bible by heart. I cheat and use tabs on my bible. I also found out that I can't change my husband and that nothing I do or say will make him change anything. It's between him and God. Oh, and I write all over my bible too, it's kind of like another journal for me. The letters to God have certainly evolved and I continue to write them to this day. I am now able to thank God for my blessings. I can see Him in even the darkest areas of my life and I can thank Him for all the joys I have. Through writing I can make some sense of what is going on around me.

Along the way I realized that I have such a hunger for wisdom of something greater than myself. I have learned much through reading and studying the bible, personal reflection and listening to people who I admire.

I hope the hunger is never satisfied.

Writing saved me. It was (and is) my escape.


For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)