I went to the funeral today. My Grandmother's funeral. It felt surreal, in a way, for me. This whole week after I found out about her death it never really felt like it was my loss. You know when people say, "I'm sorry for your loss"... it didn't really feel like it was mine. I felt distanced from it and from her and the family. It felt like their loss...not mine. Tonight though, it feels more like my loss.
I learned some things about my Grandma today. Some things I didn't know or wasn't aware of as a young child. She wrote at least two beautiful poems and they were read today. I learned that she was born in South Dakota and that she wanted to be a teacher. She had, I believe, 11 brothers and sisters...none of whom I have met. I didn't know she had a strong faith in God. Her poems revealed that.
There were moments today. Moments like seeing my estranged father for the first time in more than 4 years. There was no joyful reunion with him...but there never will be. Moments like seeing younger cousins who I haven't seen seen since they were children and now they are adults with children of their own. Aunts and Uncles who really haven't changed that much in 20+ years... just a little more gray. And moments like seeing cousins who I spent a large part of my childhood with and remembering along with them some of those good times. This family... who I haven't felt a part of for so many years... in a way...felt like...home...if just a little.
So now I can begin to close out this chapter of my life. I can grieve now since I feel I know a little more about her and she feels a little closer to my heart. The chapter isn't completely closed though, because today revealed that there is part of me that longs to know this family...if only a little bit more.
...and my Blog Friends...I have not had time to respond to each of you individually this week but I want to thank you so much for your comments. You helped me to put this whole situation into perspective...you gave me things to think about...you gave me loving wisdom...you took the time to tell me about your own experiences and what you learned from them. You are a very special group of people who I am so glad I've gotten to know through this little blog. A simple Thank You doesn't seem like enough...but...Thank You!
Good Night,
Jackie
**photo credit - Spreading Manure
My heart is with you. It sounds as if your gramma' is a special lady. She's not gone; just moved to a new residence. Keep her in your heart. She'll be waiting to see you again. Where in SD was your gramma' born?
ReplyDeleteI had My First Drawing ~ ~ ~
And the winner is…
Are you the winner? Come on over and see if you can guess.
~ Just Joany
Red Wagon Flights
So happy for you. I'm gald you're taking this journey. Life is full of them.
ReplyDeleteJackie, this is a beautiful post filled with feelings and emotions that we can all relate to and most importantly learn from and remember in our everyday life. I think you followed your heart and it led you to a place that "in a way...felt like...home...if just a little". And even if it is just a "bit more" that you feel like you would like to know them better, it is an interesting place to be. I wish I had this post to read before all my family was gone, a few things might have been different for me.
ReplyDeleteAnd Jackie, forgive the 'picture taker' in me, but your photo in this post is a stunning capture.
You will be on my mind today and in my prayers. Take care.
Hi Jackie! First off , it was nice to "thank" all of us. Speaking for myself though, if I were here for thank-yous , I'd have no business here... but I know what you meant. I'm glad you went to the funeral. I have always said that I could have regrets about NOT going to someone's funeral , but not ifI did go. I have a regret of a funeral I didn't go to. It was my great aunt Marie. I loved that woman. It wasn't that I didn't want to be there, I just didn't get myself in gear and ask off work for it. That is something that I have accepted though. I have always told my family not to exclude anyone from attending my funeral... you know, like an old boyfriend. Because everyone at some point needs closure to something whether they admit it or not.I don't feel that I would have a right to hold anyone back from that. That's between them and God. I did a lot of praying for you and asking God to help you make the right decision and have some peace of mind and I hope you have. As far as getting to know the family more, pray for guidence, you may need to do this in small steps and be prepared that there may be some rejection. You can make it through it though. As far as your dad and a happy reunion...I don't know of your circumstances... they may be a reunion someday , even if it only takes place in Heaven. God has a way of blindsiding us with healing when we least expect it.As long as God is sitting on His throne, ANYTHING can happen. I read something the other day. It said " Don't focus on how great is your need, but rather on how great is your God". Praying for my friend today. :)
ReplyDeleteDear Jackie:
ReplyDeleteI realize this week has marked a process of thoughtful reflection for you; I really admire your candor in these posts. I'm glad attending the funeral provided you with the new perpectives you shared with us. Perhaps nothing instructs us more about life than death.
Thanks so much for visiting my site; as you can see, I am just learning the ropes of blogging, so I appreciated your positive comments. Your blog is a great model to aspire to!
Mary
Jackie: warm hugs.
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed reading your post today, yes, we belong to such a wonderful and caring community out here.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you were able to find comfort and support from your readers, and I am sorry for your loss, be it your grandmother or family members you have not seen for many years.
Hugs,
Deb
It is always so interesting to find new things out about people. At my grandparents 70th anniversary I learned all kinds of stuff when they read their love story.
ReplyDeleteBest wishes in the journey to know the family,
Dear Jackie, I'm happy you attended. Because you have come away with good things, for you.
ReplyDeleteAfter all, nothing done after death, is for the one who passes on. It's all for those who are alive.
And I really only want for you to feel as best as you can, concerning all of this. Now, and at all times in the future.
Many gentle hugs...
It is always interesting what you can learn at family events .. even the sad ones. I'm glad you found something good to take away from the funeral. Now when you remember your grandmother those poems, among other things, will float to the top. I hope you received copies of them to pass to your children.
ReplyDeleteTake care.
Jackie
ReplyDeleteI am glad that you found comfort in going to your grandmother's funeral.
I too, hope you got copies of her poems. What a special gift from her.
Take care and know that you are not alone on this journey.
Oh Jackie I'm so glad you have taken comfort from making that difficult decision to attend your grandmother's funeral. Your post is truly heartfelt and with a certain sense of optimism for the future too. Families are so often brought back together because of the loss of a family member - I have experienced this with my own family.
ReplyDeleteI wish you contentment in your continuing journey.
Jeanne x
Jackie, I am so sad for you. For the confusion you have felt over the last several days and the hard choices you have had to come to grips with.
ReplyDeleteRelationships are never easy. And we can't go back. But we can always move forward to make things better. That takes hard choices too.
jackie,
ReplyDeleteyou have such a lovely meaningful way of writing. i can feel your emotions by the way you write. i am wondering if you didn't get some of your skills from your grandmother....now that you know more about her poetry.
i know going was a hard decision. i am glad to hear that some new doors opened while there.
as much as you love gardening and with spring coming, maybe you could plant a meaningful tree or flower in remembrance of your grandmother.
dj
It sounds like you are making the most of what IS while still allowing for potential where it exists. A delicate balance to be sure. Take your time. Do what is just a little hard but feels right all at the same time.
ReplyDeleteI am not particularly close to my one living grandparent either and for no real reason other than being busy. I should change that while I can. Thank you!
Both of my grandmothers are alive and both are 96 years old. Last Tuesday we found out that my mom's mom has cancer in her kidneys, liver and colon. It is very advanced and there is nothing they can do. They sent her home to spend her days surrounded by those she loves. She is mom to 8, grandma to 19, and great grandma to . . . well, I don't even know how many. What a wonderful woman he is. I have cried until there are no more tears, and I have seen her every day since Tuesday. I will go by and see her again tonight after work. I am sorry you didn't get to know your grandma. I can't imagine. But God knows all, and He has a plan that we can't understand sometimes. You will be in my prayers. I would appreciate your prayers for my family.
ReplyDeleteJackie,
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry that I missed these posts about your grandmother passing away. I am so sorry for your loss.
You are such a beautiful soul. I can tell by your writings. I relate well to you and your past situation with your parents divorcing and not knowing so many in my father's family because the same situation happened to me.
I'm glad that you went to the funeral. You will never have to look back and wish you had and closure is so important...and I'm glad that you found out something new about yourself in wanting to learn more about your family. I think tucked way inside of us sometimes are those kind of feelings that need paid attention to, so that other new and wonderful things waiting to happen can come about.
You are an awesome lady and an inspiration.
Lee Ann