My Grandma died this morning. Her name was Fern...some people called her Pat. She was 90 years old and had been suffering with failing health for awhile. The last few years of her life have been spent in a nursing home. Grandma was the mother of 9 children and many, many grandchildren and great-grandchildren. How many? I don't know.
From the time my parents were divorced in my early teen years until today I didn't have a close relationship with her. In fact, I haven't spent any significant amount of time with her for more than 25 years. I suppose I could have spent more time with her when I would visit my hometown...but I didn't. She and I both made choices. I chose to let the relationship slip away and she chose to not reach out to me. I did see her recently but she didn't recognize me....Alzheimers.
I've tried to live my adult life regret free. I'm not sure about this decision. I may have some regrets. I didn't think so...now I'm not so sure.
My fondest memories of her are from when I was a young child. I spent a lot of time on her farm. A lot of time with many of the other grandkids who were also there. Someone was always there. I honestly can't remember a time when it was just me and Grandma. There were always Aunts and Uncles and Cousins there.
I have memories like sitting out in the yard and seeing lines of cars in the gravel driveway while someone was making home-made ice cream with an old aqua and white ice cream maker. Eating watermelon in that same front yard. Playing house with the other kids in the smoke-house. Hanging over the fence and watching while the the kitchen scraps were thrown to the hogs. I can remember Grandmas back-porch with a long deep-freeze and shelves lined with canning jars full of home-grown goodness. Memories like Grandma rolling out dough for home-made noodles and making pancakes in her skillet...She told me... "you don't flip them until you see the bubbles". With such a large family...food preparation and cleanup was a central theme. I rarely remember her out of the kitchen. I also remember the smell of Dove soap and taking baths in the big, old, free-standing bathtub. My memories of her are good ones...
Her funeral will be this week sometime. I'm still not sure if I'll go. I'm not sure I need to. I still need to sort out my feelings and put them back in order before I decide.
Real life. Real emotions.
Jackie
Jackie I remember all those things--event the smells of that porch and good food.I know you will make the right choice, whatever you decide those memories will always be special and wonderful.
ReplyDeleteGosh Jackie, I don't know what to say. I know what you mean about regrets and trying to live regret free. I have told myself that I don't have any regrets . Life is a journey of choices made and lessons learned making up who I am today. But do I really have no regrets? I see a great need for me to re-examine. My grandmother passed away in 2003 when she was 90. She too had Alzheimers but in the end it was pneumonia that took her life. I have lots of the same kind of memories as you. Lots of people always visiting at Grandma's and the door was always open to anyone who wanted to drop by. She was always busying herself with housework and spent a lot of time in the kitchen cooking. You couldn't drop by grandma's house without her trying to feed you no matter who you were. I remember baths at my grandma's house. Same thing for me, you walked into the bathroom and you smelled Dove soap.Every time I smell it today I think back to when I was little and at her house. Thinking that our grandmas would have been around during the depression, I wonder if the Dove soap thing was something that they could easily get a hold of and if that's why it stayed so popular with women their age as they got older. I know my grandma used the same products for years and wouldn't waver. I bet your's was the same way. You always will have good memories growing up around your grandma and I'd be willing to bet they outweigh the bad memories of being without her. Praying for you today.
ReplyDeleteSeems her passing, was a blessing.
ReplyDeleteAs to regrets, what good do they do? Other than make the [regretting] person miserable. :-(
Keep your lovely [though crowded with other family members] memories. Tell your children about your memories, in case they never get to have their own, of such childhood time, on a farm.
And though your children are young, plan on staying close to the Grands you someday have. For yourself. And for their memories.
How's that for a plan?
As to funerals ~~ We all know they are for the living. Closure if a funeral will do that. Etc. So who *should* you please, with your decision to attend her funeral or not? You, Hon. You. Do what will make you feel best. Either way.
You my Dear, are alive. You are what matters. IMHO, that is.
Gentle hugs...
Jackie I think the memories you shared here about her when you were young are some pretty wonderful memories and they seem to be good ones to you. They sound sweet and summery as you relate them. I think that whatever you decide, what feels right in your heart will be right. Maybe the good memories are all you need. Take care.
ReplyDeleteJackie
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry for your loss. I have many happy memories of my Grandma ~ thanks for triggering those with yours.
All I can say is make the best decision for you about whether or not you go to the funeral. I know if it was me I would go just to see family that maybe I hadn't seen for awhile.
Rather you were close early on or later, it's always sad for the passing of an older generation. History is gone, stories go untold. So much we should have asked and never did.
ReplyDeleteMaybe the funeral visitation will put closure for you.
What ever you decide, I pray for the best for you.
Jackie, I'm so sorry. Those really do sound like such beautiful memories to hold for a lifetime. There's nothing that can take those away from you. Hugs! Tammy
ReplyDeleteJackie, I'm so sorry for your loss. You have wonderful memories of a carefree childhood in which your grandmother played a big part. These memories will always stay with you. Regrets will only make you sad.
ReplyDeleteWhatever you decide about the funeral make it for yourself and it will be the right one.
Thinking of you.
Jeanne x
Jackie: I love that you have taken your good memories of your grandmother and wrapped them around you like a shawl. Maybe that is what your feelings will leave you with: a shawl of warm memories and let the rest go.
ReplyDeleteI don't know if it is possible to live life without regrets. I once read a sentence--"Regret, not remorse"--which I have long carried with me. In that context, "remorse" was flailing yourself for something that happened/didn't happen and that you could no longer change; "regret" was looking back from time to time and thinking it could have been different, but then setting it aside and moving on in the present.
Thinking of you. Your heart will guide you.
Hi Jackie, I'm sorry for your sadness and confusion. Have you tried being your own best friend in this decision. What would you tell your best friend to do?
ReplyDeleteSometimes it's hard to know because in certain circumstances there are just not any do-overs!
Sending you hope that you find the right decision for you and peace of heart and mind while you find it.
Sorry to hear that she passed. Having memories is what is important. Do what you think is best for you. No one should judge you as they do not walk in your shoes.
ReplyDelete~Debra
Blog: Capers of the vintage vixens
I'm glad you shared the "real" of it all. I'll be praying with you...
ReplyDeleteThis might be my first visit here. I'm with Aunt Amelia. I will add that maybe you should go to the funeral, but you know the situation better than anyone. You have lovely memories of your grandmother. Go meet the new members of the family. Get reacquainted with the "old" ones. Share your memories. Hopefully you can learn more to share with your children and grandchildren. (There was a rift in my family 50 plus years ago that has never been healed. Please don't let that be in your family.) Again, only you know what the situation is. I just wish the best for you.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry for your loss and I will keep you and your family in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry for your loss. I know what you are saying. I didn't see my Grandpa in my adult life. It was my choice and he died in my twenties. I wish I had words of wisdom for you. I'm sure she loved you and my grandpa did me. Just a different relationship was all. Hugs!
ReplyDeleteNicole
Jackie,
ReplyDeleteI think April said it eloquently. Interestingly enough, my grandmother is slipping away at a nursing home and we expect to hear that she passed any day now. I felt her loss when she was put into the nursing home, now not as much. She, too, doesn't remember me. I had (have) a different relationship with her. I miss her terribly. You may want to go just to pay your respects for the memories you do have. Sending **hugs** your way!!!!
Hi Jackie,
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry to hear of your grandmother's passing. I also can relate to the part about regrets - yes or no... My parents were divorced when I was 5 -- and yes, there are so many gray areas.
I hope you will find peace in whatever decision you make. You have freedom in Christ - so, I pray you'll be led by that voice in you, where God comforts and also understands.
I originally came by to say thank you for the honor of placing me on your blogroll. I'm celebrating my 100th post this week on Faith Barista
http://bit.ly/dmZ1vB
... so I just wanted to reach out and say thank you to friends like you, who keep me company on my journey of faith.
Your blog is beautiful - may God continue to bless you as you share and touch hearts.
Blessings,
Bonnie from Faith Barista
Jackie, I am sorry to hear of the loss of your grandma. Relationships have many twists and turns in them, but I pray you find the right way to take at the closing of this road.
ReplyDeleteblessing Katie
Jackie,
ReplyDeleteChanging or losing relationships is one of the toughest parts about divorce. I was in my early teens too when my parents divorced. While I didn't 'lose' any of my grandparents there were people that came into and out of my life that I have mourned. I've come to the realization at this point in my life that there are people who will become important parts of my life that I haven't even met yet (no more truer than just before I started blogging!) and there are people who will drift on, not a matter of choice, just a fact of life. What matters most is the quality of the relationships we had while our time together in this world lasted. It's not quite that easy when it's a grandparent but, really, those wonderful childhood memories are what really matter. They are a part of how you became the beautiful caring woman that you are. These are the things that matter.
Hugs
~Andrea~
Hello. And Bye.
ReplyDeleteMy first response as I read your "About Me" section was, "Me too!" I, also, like all of those things and I definitely spend my time chasing boys. Especially, I love God and want to know Him better.
ReplyDeleteMy next response as I read your post is, "I will pray for you. He knows!"
Peace to you!
Love, Katy Noelle (xx and o from a stranger)
I am sorry to hear - it's sad to lose a granny.
ReplyDeleteMy Granma has just gone into a nursing home. :(
the great thing is you will always have those beautiful memories.
jackie,
ReplyDeletei am so sorry for your loss. i am glad to see that you have such wonderful memories. my grandma's bathroom smelled of dove soap too.
i am sure by now you have made your decision. i think if it were me i would go. i think it would aid in an appropriate closure to my memories.
i never heard anyone regret going to a funeral. only those that regret not going.
dj
I'm sorry for your loss. I'm glad you have good memories. Whatever you decide about the funeral will be the right decision.
ReplyDeleteDear Friend Jackie,
ReplyDeleteThough distance and circumstance sometime separate us, we never forget the love we hold dear in our hearts. Reading about your grandma and trying to live regret free brought tears to my eyes. I realize you have to do what is right for you but I wanted to share this with you that was shared to me when I faced not regretting something. It was senior year and I struggled with inviting my mom to my graduation. You know what kind of a relationship we had. I was really having a rough time with it. A wise science teacher told me to invite her and then I didn't have to live with the regret of never giving her the opportunity to walk thru the door. What she did with the invitation was up to her. She came and it was hard but I made the right decision. And I understand how you feel about trying to decide if you should go to the funeral since you hadn't spent much time with your grandma in so many years. I struggled with did I have the right at my mom's funeral to stand up there as her daughter accepting condolences from her friends. Jackie, if you don't go today, you won't have the chance to make it right. After today, she will be entered into the ground and her soul taken to heaven. This is closure Jackie, as hard as it may be, it will give you the opportunity to silently say all those things you haven't. I know, because I was in this situation and it's not easy, may be one of the hardest things you've had to do, but stand strong and know in the end it will help. I'lll be thinking and praying for you. Love, Leslie
I hope you make the right choice for yourself. Life at times is not easy is it? Do what feels right.
ReplyDelete