"Heavenly Father, You are my Restorer. You restore all that has been taken, destroyed, devoured, or lost from my life" (Adapted from Psalm 23:3)
As my friend Julie and I sat down to lunch a few weeks ago, she began telling me that she had met her Dad for coffee earlier that morning. They'd had a nice, long chat and he had helped her with a decision she needed to make about a house repair. She was full of love for her Dad and was thankful he is in her life today. As she was telling me about her morning I felt a tug on my heart. I dismissed the feeling. I wasn't even sure what it was. We went on with our lunch and had an enjoyable time, as usual. On my way back to work I realized what the feeling was...what the tug on my heart meant...it was Sadness. I was surprised at this feeling because I came to terms years ago about the relationship (or lack thereof) I have with my Dad. I'll probably never be able to call him to meet me for coffee or to ask his advice about something. I haven't written much about my Dad on this blog...on purpose. There really isn't much to say. As I grew into adult-hood 20+ years ago I began my journey of figuring out who I was...in spite of who my father was...and what he had led me to believe about myself. That journey was hard in the early years. I had to come to terms with shame, self image, sadness, anger and many other emotions.
I haven't spoken more than a handful of words to my Dad in the last 5 years. I did see him at my Grandmothers funeral earlier this year and you can read about that here. I can't say what my Dad's life is like now. I can't tell you where he lives or if he is even alive. I can tell you what I know about him from my past. He could strike up a conversation with just about anyone. He was an entrepreneur. He was a gardener. He was was also an Alcoholic, Abusive, Manipulative and a Master of Mind Control.
Those are the facts.
I don't write them here to slander my Dad. I write them so you understand where I come from and why I had to take that journey to...Knowing Who My Father is...
We all have stories and I invite you to share one of mine. Stay tuned for Part 2.
*Photo courtesy of flickr.com
What a great blog you have! Just wanted to leave this note and let you know how much we appreciate your posts. We will be back for updates.
ReplyDeletePlease check out the Shopping Nanny blog.
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Jackie - I can almost feel your emotions as I read this, and I have prayed for you and for your dad. Family relationships are wonderful when they are wonderful, but when they aren't, well, no one can hurt you as badly as someone in your family. I can't say I know exactly how you feel, so you take my comments as you see fit. But the Bible says in Matthew 5:44 "But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you." That is hard to do, especially when that person is a family member. It sounds as if you have come to terms with your non-relationship with your dad, and I think that is good. But I would challenge you to ask God to give you His love for your dad. I have had to do that with people in my life. I've asked God to help me see them through HIS eyes, and to love them as HE loves them. And God is working on me, and them. I am praying for your dad, that somehow God speaks to him and opens his eyes to the truth. And I am praying for you too. Asking our Father to shower you with His love and mercy and grace. Have a blessed day.
ReplyDeleteHi Jackie - sending a sweet hello from Frog Hollow Farm. I admire your decision to talk about your father and the difficult and limited relationship you have with him. I lost my mom three years ago and treasure my dad more than ever. We don't have a lot in common but thanks to my mom our family has always been together for holidays, birthdays, etc. Despite your difficult relationship with your father it seems that you have married and wonderful man and that you are a wonderful mother! Whatever you needed was already inside you, but I can tell and understand that you wish your life had been a different in many ways. Here I go blabbing on and on - take care. Ciao, bella!
ReplyDelete{{hugs}} I look forward to reading more about your story.
ReplyDeleteSometimes our stories are hard to give voice to. You did so beautifully here.
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